Breaking the News - Telling a child that their relative has died may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do.

Give the information sensitively and gently at a pace that does not overwhelm the child. Check that the child has understood what you have said. You may need to repeat things. Be prepared to respond to any questions the child may have.

It is important to be honest, and not helpful to use euphemisms such as: “Grandad has gone to sleep forever”, “We have lost Granny”, as this often causes confusion. If you aren’t honest, a child’s imagination may fill in the gaps, and what he or she imagines is often worse than the reality. Remember that if you avoid or postpone breaking the news, the child may find out another way.

The Funeral and Viewing the Body

Some families have strong feelings about children viewing a dead body or attending a funeral.
It is important to remember that these occasions can help children accept the reality of the death.

Adults often feel the need to protect children from what can be a distressing situation. However, children do need to know what is going on. They are usually more frightened by what they imagine than by the reality of the situation.

Viewing the Body

If possible, allow the child to choose what to do. Answer their questions and talk to him or her about what the body will be like.

For example: “She may not look like she used to look. Now she is dead she can’t feel anything.
She can’t walk or talk or eat. She will feel cold, perhaps a bit like wax. Would you like to see her?”

Funerals

Tell the child what will happen at the funeral. Something like: “When someone dies we have a special service called a funeral. This is held in a church/chapel/synagogue/mosque. It will be a time for us to think, talk and cry about grandad, remember the good times, and to say goodbye to him. There will be songs and prayers”.

If the child wants to attend check if he or she has any questions. If the child decides not to attend perhaps they would like another way to say goodbye: maybe writing a card or letter to put in the coffin, or letting go a balloon with a message.

Reactions and Responses

Children may become quiet, withdrawn or ‘clingy’ and reluctant to go to school or a friend’s house.
They need extra attention as they are often afraid of being separated from those who care for them.
It is surprising how often children blame themselves for a loved one’s death. Tell them that it was not
their fault. A person does not die because of anything we think or say.

For adolescents, who are often already experiencing confused emotions, a death complicates life even more. The teenager may react in an adult way and hide the feelings that seem childish. Conversely, they may revert to childish patterns of behaviour.

It can help if adults share their grief with the child, perhaps crying with them or showing that feelings such as denial, (refusing to accept that it has happened), anger and guilt are normal.

Young people often choose to be alone, going to their room or out of the house for hours. Try to accept this as their way of coping.

Don’t expect young people to take on the responsibilities of the person who has died.
Avoid statements like: “You are the man of the house now. You’ll have to look after your mum”.

It is much more helpful to include them in any plans, consult them and respect their wishes, encouraging them if they want to help.

It is impossible to predict what a child’s reactions will be. They could range from anger and distress to apparently not seeming to be bothered. A child may upset you by saying something like: “Does this mean we can’t go on holiday now?” or “Can I go out to play now?”

These are normal reactions and do not mean that the child doesn’t care.

Cultural and religious beliefs will vary from family to family. Children are often comforted by the idea
of heaven, where a person is no longer ill or suffering. Your own beliefs will guide you.

For children of all ages, including adolescents, it is important to encourage the expression of emotions and to talk about the deceased.

The Death of a Parent

For a child, the death of a parent has major effects. Most children will go through several different and intense emotions, the most important of which may be guilt and a sense of abandonment. Most people underestimate the amount of guilt a young child may experience as a result of an event which, so obviously, is no fault of theirs.

Younger children feel guilty because they are accustomed to being punished for doing things they did not realise would cause problems (“You left your shoes at the bottom of the stairs and I tripped on them”). Hence, when a major event occurs, they search for things that they might have done wrong which may have caused it.

“Perhaps” - a child might think - “if I’d tidied my room like she told me, Mum would have got better”.
This point is crucial to understanding how a child perceives the loss of a parent. It is also important to remember that children often express their emotions in actions rather than in words.

Keep your roles clear

After the loss of a parent, a child may try to take on the role of the dead parent in order to try and fill the gap. A daughter may want to run the home ‘becoming’, in the process, the mother who has died. This occurs quite frequently. This is good in the sense that the daughter feels needed and wanted, and feels that she is reducing the impact of the loss on the family. But it can endanger her normal growth and development. If a daughter of, say, nine or ten years old becomes the housewife, replacing the mother and caring for the other children, her own teenage development could be difficult. A further problem will arise, if, at a later date, the parent wants to remarry or introduce another adult into the family. The child may feel they are being replaced and rejected in their ‘new’ role. Similarly, a son may attempt to adopt the role of ‘man of the house’.

Keepsakes

Give children the opportunity to choose their own memento(es). They may like to make their own collection of photos and keepsakes. They may enjoy making a scrapbook eg. “My Book about Grandad”. These can help express feelings that are difficult to put into words.

If you would like to see examples of these, or would like help or advice, please contact the Hospice’s Patient and Carer Support Worker.

Remember:

1. Don’t assume what children feel, or what they need. Ask them.

2. Be honest. A child’s imagination running riot is worse than reality.

3. Let children know that the death was not their fault.

4. Answer questions as they arise. Use language that they’ll understand. Don’t overload them.

5. Don’t expect too much of yourself. You can only do your best.

6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Speak to your child’s health visitor or teacher, or someone at the Hospice. We will do what we can to help. We have a number of picture and storybooks that
you may borrow.

Our Patient and Carer Support Worker can help with explanations, scrapbooks etc.